Garrett left this morning before I got up to go to a new client for computer issues. When I woke up he still wasn't home and so I worked for SBP a while until my computer died... I was just sitting on the couch waiting for garrett to get home (thinking about folding laundry) But Garrett got home and we started talking a little bit in the living room about our day and our morning, when Garrett got a text from philip. We rushed to the E.R. and garrett and I walked into the consultation room just moments after philip and elizabeth found out that there dad didn't make it.
I've never been in a situation like that before. I've never lost someone close to me. I cried and I felt pain but i didn't know what to do. I wanted to help so much but there was nothing I could do at all. I've been blessed to not loose a close person in my life but I know that dyeing is part of living on this sinful world. So my mind all day has just been trying to truthfully comprehend death. Just the fact that he is not here anymore is hard to figure out. I know that there are so many people on this earth that have had to understand this and live with this pain; and i'm not pretending that I won't have to. I've just been blessed to not have to go though that yet.
Garrett made a point today that we do live our lives like we are invincible. We live as if nothing can hurt us and we can handle everything on our own. I could continue to write about the pain and shock I saw and felt today, but I know my hubby is writing too. But my heart goes out to Carol Phillip and Elizabeth and also to Garretts daddy. I've been sick to my stomach at times today just to think of the pain they are filled with to lose such an important and amazing man in their lives.
Paster Paul came to pray with the family today and he said something that is so true to my life today. He quoted C.S. Lewis "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." It's so hard to fully understand that the Lord who created us has a plan for our pain. I was reading a couple days ago in Isaiah where it says our thoughts are not like Gods thoughts and our ways are not like His ways. It's hard to know all the time that God has a much bigger view on why we exists. I wan't to truly be able to bring God into everything, and view it from His perspective, by His holy values. I want to be able to view things in terms of eternity. But all we can see is a little bit all around us. I just have to keep in mind always that He knows from the day we are knit together what His plans are and what we will do with our lives.
I wish I could think like God thinks... be focused on what really matters. It's so hard to keep focused on what is most important in life when there are so many other distractions that seem so important at the time. I care about the Harris's and I hurt for the loss of an amazing man father and husband... I have a hard time comprehending that he's gone. To me today it all feels like a dream but I know that it will become very real to philip and his family.
I have know clue what God is doing. I pray that God will give me strength to trust Him today and in the future because looking back on my life and through faith I know He has always had a plan. I pray that God will help me garrett and the Harris's to understand His plan and in the meantime trust in that outcome.
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